


가끔 난 길을 잃곤 해

by jeanandjeremy



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: A whole lot of crying, Angst, Eating Disorders, Homophobia, Lots of it, M/M, Nothing that graphic, but just generally pretty angsty i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2017-04-26
Packaged: 2018-10-24 03:56:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10733631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeanandjeremy/pseuds/jeanandjeremy
Summary: Donghyuck sometimes wishes he was born in a different version of this world, one where boys could love boys without it being wrong. Where eating what you want didn’t make you fat. He wishes he’d been born as someone else, someone skinnier that didn’t get butterflies in his stomach when his best friend smiled. Things weren’t like that though and this world was cruel.





	가끔 난 길을 잃곤 해

**Author's Note:**

> -가끔 난 길을 잃곤 해 - sometimes, i get lost  
> which is a lyric from not 127's limitless  
> -i think the timeline for this story is a bit messed up  
> -trigger warnings: eating disorder, some homophobia and self-hatred  
> -lol so me working through my ed and depression through fanfic  
> -normally i hate real people fiction but idk i got emotional and i just really love nct. my children.  
> -also its literally 5 am and i just wrote this in 3 hours. not beta-d. read at your own risk.  
> -so yeah idk this is trash and also a monster why did i write 3k instead of going to sleep at a normal time so i can study for my graduation tomorrow.......

Donghyuck knows he shouldn’t, but he can’t help it. He can’t not stare at Taeyong in the mirror as he changes his shirt, all pale skin and sharp bones. His shoulder blades look like they could cut through paper.  
When he finally manages to look away, his breakfast feels too heavy in his stomach. His fingers are shaking a bit when he straightens out his sweater. It should be looser, or maybe he’s just too fat.  
“Everything alright?”, Mark asks, looking up from the notebook he’d been scribbling in, always working hard. Donghyuck smiles back at him brightly, like he always does. It’s easy, but sometimes at times like this it doesn’t feel quite right. “Sure, hyung. You’re working on something new?”  
The older nods and looks down at his notes again, blonde curls bouncing. His lashes as long and pretty, Donghyuck notices. He should stop staring.  
They go through the choreography two times, everyone way too hot in all the layers the stylist put them in. Even when the clothes are weird on the others they look good on them and he feels out of place, suffocating in the heat of his sweater, the weight of the breakfast pulling him down. “Donghyuck-ah”  
The voice pulls him out of his thoughts. It’s Mark again, his big brown eyes staring back at him expectantly. “Come on, we’re on soon.” He smiles back at his hyung, and lifts himself off the floor. Maybe performing will make him feel more like himself.

It does for a while. Not too long though and the thoughts are creeping up on him again. Suddenly the bowl of fried rice in front of him feels daunting, almost like it’s mocking him. Most of the members are digging in hungrily, so why is it suddenly hard? Do they also think about the weight it might make them gain? Probably not. Their cheeks aren’t as chubby as his. All he longs for are Taeyong’s skinny wrist or WinWin’s slim jaw.  
“Aren’t you eating, Donghyuckie?” Taeil is locking at him, chewing on a mouthful of rice. He mutters something along the line of "I don’t feel so well" and Taeil drops it. He’s been feeling sick more often lately, but no one is really that worried. It’s winter and it hasn’t affected his singing so far (not that it would matter when he only has one line).  
Maybe if he can also get away with skipping dinner, the number on the scale he dreads so much will drop. Maybe if he skips breakfast tomorrow too. Maybe when they comeback with NCT Dream soon, he will be able to stand on stage 2 or 3 kilos lighter and he will look better. It wouldn’t be enough of course, it never is, but he would be closer.  
He’s not sure if there is a weight that would make him happier, all he knows is that his is too high. It needs to be lower and then everything would be better. If he was skinny, he’d be more beautiful and more loved. Maybe Mark would… No, that’s too much. Those thoughts are reserved for the dark of sleepless nights.  
“Everything alright?”, Mark asks again, nudging his side. Donghyuck swallows and smiles. “Yeah, just not feeling too well.”

One night, during their preparation for Firetruck, he almost got caught. He’d snuck out of the room he shared with their leader and after stuffing himself with 2000 calories worth of food, he had become a crying mess in the bathroom. At times like these, there was only one solution. He’d been doing so well back then and people had began noticing. All the stylist noonas complimented him: “Our little Donghyuckie has lost so much weight, you look so grown up and handsome now.” It made him feel good, so he couldn’t stop.  
Yet sometimes he couldn’t sleep because he was too hungry, the welcome emptiness in his stomach turning into stinging pain. Most of the time he would sneak into the kitchen at night, telling himself he’d only have a small, healthy snake, but once he started he could never stop. The first time it happened he’d felt nauseous and disgusting. He went into the bathroom to weigh himself and started crying when he realized what he’d done. His reflection stared back at him, eyes red from crying and fat cheeks that he wanted gone gone gone.  
Back when he was a proper trainee, there was a girl that lost a lot of weight by making herself throw up, or at least that’s what everyone said. Donghyuck used to think he could never do something like that. As it turned out, he very much could. It was gross and awful, but somehow he felt better afterwards. Calm.  
He wasn’t very careful about it though. Jaehyun walked into the bathroom one night after he was done, looking exactly like he just spent ten minutes sobbing. “I- I couldn’t sleep and I-” Jaehyun pulled him in for a hug and Donghyuck felt absolutely horrible. He didn’t deserve to be hugged like this. Why did he keep fucking up like this? “It’s okay, I know it’s stressful. Talk to your hyungs when you get upset, okay?”  
Donghyuck nodded against the older’s shoulder. If he had any tears left, he would have started crying again right then and there. 

After a while, he stopped thinking so much about his weight. Sometimes it was better, other times it was worse. During My First and Last promotions he couldn’t stop thinking that Jaemin deserved it more than he did, it wasn’t fair. Jaemin was so beautiful and skinny and talented and Donghyuck just wasn’t.  
There’s something else too. A part of himself he tries to keep even further pushed down. Most of the time it works and then sometimes the weird feeling in his stomach won’t go away.  
Like when it snows for the first time and Mark drags him outside. He looks so pretty, with his stupid fluffy blond hair and brown eyes. They have a snowball fight and laugh until they can’t anymore, only going back inside once they can’t feel their hands anymore.  
Taeyong nags, fusses over them and makes some soup that he swears is good for their health. Mark and Donghyuck can’t stop laughing at how much of a mom their leader is. Mark holds his hand the whole time, because he can’t seem to get warm. Even when his hand isn’t cold anymore, he doesn’t let go. It doesn’t mean anything of course, but his stomach still keeps fluttering. What a stupid boy he is.  
That night he throws up until his stomach is completely empty. 

The winter lasts so long. Donghyuck has always loved summer, even when he got so tan his classmates made fun of him and he misses the sunshine and being outside in the heat. He and Mark spend the evenings cuddled up in their room, making up silly songs and talking about whatever. Mark shows him American tv shows and Donghyuck makes him listen to Michael Jackson on repeat and he can forget his worries. He laughs how upset Mark gets when he swears, his forehead scrunching up in irritation. It's just too much fun to annoy him sometimes.  
Donghyuck sometimes wishes he was born in a different version of this world, one where boys could love boys without it being wrong. Where eating what you want didn’t make you fat. He wishes he’d been born as someone else, someone skinnier that didn’t get butterflies in his stomach when his best friend smiled. Things weren’t like that though and this world was cruel.  
His mother had always told him to love the shade of his skin and so he did. When he lost 5 kilos before his debut, she pinched his cheeks and told him how proud she was of how handsome he had become. Afterwards he couldn’t eat for a whole day. The son of their neighbor got kicked out by his parents when they caught him with another boy and that night, his parents talked about what a shame it was. What a good boy the neighbors’ son had been before he had sinned. It makes his skin crawl. 

He hates what he’s become sometimes, because no matter how much weight he loses there are times when he realizes how fucked up it all is. One morning he throws up the breakfast he’d eaten because Mark asked him too with his stupid puppy eyes (“Come on, Donghyuckie, you’re getting so skinny”). When they head out for school a few minutes later because there’s no schedule that day he feels something warm trickling down his chin. Red drops of blood drip down into the snow. It takes a moment to sink in. A nosebleed. Jeno and Mark stare at him with wide eyes. “It’s fine. It’s probably… because of the cold. My cousin gets them all the time”, he tries to explain. He knows that he actually did this to himself. The blood in the snow scares him. Jeno wordlessly hands him a tissue. It doesn’t last long, which he’s grateful for. Mark doesn’t say anything the whole time, just takes his hand after he assures them he’s fine again. Donghyuck swallows hard and tries not to cry now. He feels horrible, like that night with Jaehyun, because sometimes he just wants to tell someone. Wants someone to tell what he does to himself and that maybe he likes boys the way he shouldn't. Wants to be held and to be allowed to just cry until maybe he can start getting better for more than just a few weeks at a time. 

Spring time feels like a breath of fresh air. The cherry blossom trees in front of their school begin to bloom and maybe things will be alright. He will be okay. He calls his parents and talks to them for hours for the first time in weeks. Johnny teaches him some swear words in English that he uses to annoy Mark.  
Then rumors about him start to spread. He comes home from school one afternoon and hears Taeyong, Taeil, Johnny and Yuta whispering about it. Doesn’t really know what to feel once he realizes what’s happening. The others tell him it’s okay to cry, but he doesn’t. He also doesn’t eat. For two whole days he manages to make up excuses, but he can feel they’re worried about him.  
It makes him even more sick: knowing he’s causing all this trouble and making them all upset. They’d be better off without him. Mark and him share a bed the second night. His stomach and head to are hurting as his body is screaming at him to eat, but doesn’t he deserve it? Mark takes his hands because they’re freezing, even though the weather outside is warm. Neither of them says anything. Like their manager said, they just have to let everyone forget about the stupid scandal. He thinks of Taeyong, who almost cried when they had the talk with the manager. Nobody should cry because of him.  
“Don’t worry, Donghyuckie. Everyone will forget soon, it’s okay”, Mark assures him with a soft voice, rubbing circles on his back, and he wants to cry. If only he could. Somehow now the only times he’s able to cry properly is when he has two fingers shoved down his throat.  
As Mark falls asleep, Donghyuck decides to do just that. He wanders into the kitchen with a mission and once he’s eaten enough to feel sickeningly full he stumbles into the bathroom.  
Not even halfway done, he’s stopped by a hand on his shoulder. Suddenly, he can’t breathe at all. This is it. They will finally throw him out for being such a fuck up. Everyone will find out.  
He turns around to find himself face to face with Taeyong: perfect, out-of-this-world beautiful, skinny and talented Taeyong who got so much shit he never deserved and who cares so much for his dongsaengs. His eyes are swollen and red and his hand on Donghyuck is shaky. “Donghyuck. This- I. For how long?”  
And that’s it. Donghyuck can’t stop crying anymore, all the sadness built up inside him wanting out at once. The sobs make his body shake and Taeyong strokes his back reassuringly, but he’s also started crying quietly. The older takes him to the sink and washes his hands and face and starts cleaning up the bathroom. Not saying a word, he takes Donghyuck to the kitchen and sits him down at the table. “I’ll make you some food, whatever you want, but eat it please. And don’t throw it up. You don’t have to explain right now, but you can talk to me. I can’t understand it all, but I know a bit- about how you feel.” At the last part, his voice breaks a bit.  
Donghyuck thinks back to when the scandal about Taeyong blew up and how the older spent hours at the studio, always forgetting to eat. How worn down and defeated he looked. He tried to refuse the leader position, saying he would drag the whole group down.  
While Taeyong cooks, they stay quiet. Donghyuck feels like he has cried enough for a whole week. He isn’t sure whether he wants to talk. How should he explain?  
The bowl of rice with kimchi made for him, which used to be one of his favorite foods, sits untouched in front of him for a minute once it's finished. His hyung sits down next to him.  
“How can I help you?Ah, I don’t know… I- should I get Johnny? Or Doyoung? Taeil-Hyung?”  
He shakes his head quickly. “No, please, they can’t know.” “What about Mark?”  
“No, no. He can’t know, never. If he found out-“  
“Then he’d what?”  
He’d leave me, Donghyuck thinks, but no, that’s not right. He was never with me to begin with. He’d hate me for being so fucked up.  
“Mark is worried, he told me that yesterday. He cares so much about you, Donghyuckie.”  
He doesn’t know how to respond. How can he explain he doesn’t deserve to be cared about?  
“Look, I don’t know what’s going on between you two. You care about him too, don’t you? I don’t know in which way you care for each other, but what’s most important is that you trust him, don’t you? He’ll understand, he wouldn’t ever leave you.”  
The silence between them stretches on and the untouched bowl of food is still in front of him. Eat me, it says, mocking him. You’ll never be good enough anyways.  
“I used to think they all hated me”, Taeyong says, voice quieter than before. Donghyuck looks at him for the first time since they entered the kitchen and notices how small their leader locks, fragile almost. Donghyuck is almost as tall as him now. “I didn’t deserve to be in the same group as all of you, I was dragging you down. I’ve made some mistakes and- well, sometimes I still think that way, but I got better", the older continues.  
With a hopeful expression he pushes the chopsticks closer to Donghyuck. He takes them and slowly, starts eating. It tastes amazing, but it’s scary. While he eats, Taeyong keeps talking. About how he was before he became a trainee, how he felt back then and still sometimes now, how he was affected by the online hate, how the members helped him through a lot of it.  
Donghyuck finishes the bowl of rice and it sits heavily in his stomach. He wants to get rid of it, but he can’t do that to his hyung. Maybe he should try to get better. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t want this to be real. It’s not fair things are like this. The world is too cruel.  
“I never- I’m not as skinny or handsome as you, hyung. I had to lose that weight. Maybe I lost control. I know, I know, I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry, I’m just- you’re all better off without me. I’m useless and fat –“  
Before he can continue Taeyong has him wrapped in a bone-crushing hug. Donghyuck can feel him sob. “Don’t say that, please. None of it is true. We’ll help you, Hyuckie. It’s gonna be okay. We’ll fix this.”  
He wishes it was that easy. Knows that these habits don’t go away overnight. Knows it's a long struggle, but maybe there is hope. Maybe, he could be enough someday, without having to destroy himself. 

It takes a while for things to get better after that. Taeyong doesn’t actually tell the other members what’s going on but none of them are stupid. They get it when he no longer gets away with excuses to skip a meal and when Taeyong looks after him with worry when he uses the bathroom after dinner. For a moment, he almost throws it back up, but then he thinks of how he can’t do it. He wants to be better for himself and for the others too.  
A week after he was caught, he’s lying in bed with Mark again, shoulder to shoulder, their breathing in sync. “Are you still awake?”, Mark asks, carefully and quietly. “Yeah.”  
“Are you ok?” Donghyuck doesn’t know how to answer to that. No? Yes? Maybe? “I’m trying to be, I’m really trying.”  
Mark doesn’t say anything, just takes his hand even though it’s not cold at all. “I messed up so badly, hyung. I- Please don’t hate me.”  
And then he’s crying a bit. “Hey, what’s going on? I couldn’t, never ever. Don’t you know that? You’re stuck with me”, he says, smiling but with suspiciously watery eyes.  
Donghyuck instinctively buries his head in the older’s shoulder. “I hate myself sometimes. I think I’m not good enough: too fat, too ugly. I- I wouldn’t eat or… get rid of it somehow.”  
Mark squeezes his hand tighter. “But you’re beautiful.”  
The butterflies in his stomach are back again. It’s so stupid and he’s blushing. “No, you can’t say stuff like that.” They both know it and they’re scared. Their world was not a good place for boys who love boys. “Why not?”, Mark asks, all false bravery and shaky voice. They both know this is dangerous. “I- I like you.”  
I’m dreaming, he thinks. I’ve died and gone to heaven. They’re looking at each other, unsure of what to do now. Then, surprising himself, Donghyuck moves forward until their lips are softly pressed against each other. His cheeks are damped from crying and their intertwined hands are sweaty, but it’s okay. They have each other. Like an idiot, Mark smiles at him once he pulls back. They’re both idiots. “I like you a lot”, Mark tells him again. “I like you too, even though you make bad jokes.” They laugh, but then they just stare at each other for a moment.  
“We’ll figure this out”, Mark says, sounding hopeful. Donghyuck isn’t sure what “this” is: his fucked up mental health or the forbidden way they like each other, but he wants both to work. He wants to be enough. 

Of course, it’s not easy. One time, Mark finds him throwing up in the bathroom and starts crying because he feels like he can't help him. It devastates Donghyuck that he made him upset but they work things out. Most of the time he still looks in the mirror and hates what he sees, but now there are also times when he takes a deep breath and tells himself that he isn’t too fat or too ugly. That skipping dinner won’t fix everything. That he needs to eat. And even when he fucks up again and again and again, someone picks him up. Not always right away. He skips meals for a week before Johnny notices and takes him aside to have a talk. At night, sometimes he and Mark think about telling their parents. He’s pretty sure most of the other members know. Doyoung caught them making out once and kept making jokes about it. A week later, Taeyong knocked on their door with a handful of condoms, trying to give them a "talk" but WinWin and Yuta dragged him away and told him to stop worrying before someone died of embarassment. Donghyuck catches Taeyong holding hands with Yuta once, a stolen, quiet moment in the kitchen between the two of them. He hopes Taeyong is happy.  
Maybe this world wasn’t too cruel. Maybe he would be okay.


End file.
